february 7, 2010
this conducter just made my day. doesn't hurt that he's cruising on my old train in my old hood.
(thanks elena for the link!)
(thanks elena for the link!)
october 19, 2009
back to new york, back to public transportation, back to the crazies. today on the train i started reading the book of the dude next to me over his shoulder (per usual) and discovered that it was a bomb building book (obvi). so now i know how to make a drano reefer bomb. and i know that if you want a big explosion, you gotta put it in water. and i know that if you are in jail, this means putting it in the toilet. fantastic!!!! so then i gave him a solid once over: no backpack, no loose fitting clothing that could easily conceal dynamite, and no suspicious looking friends lurking nearby. i must have freaked out the girl across from me because she started checking him out, too. then we both got off at the next stop. not sure if it was her stop, but it sure as hell was not mine.
july 26, 2009
i cannot WAIT to purell my hands once i get off this stank ass bus (which contains crusty white-dude-dreads, two-day-old chinese food, general sweatiness/lack of showering, etc.). dear goddddddd.
july 23, 2009
i just fought with a dude who refused to move his backpack from the only empty seat on the bus. i guess holding his backpack impeded his making shitty origami cranes.
then i watched a woman fight with a dude about stepping on her foot. except he wasn't at all. (???) perhaps she has phantom size 10 feet? that frequently get stepped on? i dunno.
and don't EVEN get me started on the woman on the bart train this morning, who passive-aggressively asked me, "since when did bart start letting people bring coffee on the train? hmmmmmmm????"
i totally give up on public transportation today.
july 22, 2009
july 13, 2009
on the way to the movies tonight, i plopped down in the only open seat and immediately noticed the distinct smell of comet. to be honest, i found it kind of pleasing as it was a hell of a lot nicer than some of the usual bus smells and it made me happy that my bus had recently gotten a scrub.
then, on the way back home, i found myself seated beside the same woman i sat next to on my inbound trip. she was quite lovely in her seafoam 50s dress and pearl barrettes. and then it happened--my nose tingled with the brisk scent of comet. it was totally the lady next to me! wearing ode de comet!! i hoped that we could become fast friends, but i was too shy to strike up a conversation with the line, "i like that you smell like a disinfectant cleanser with bleach." next time???
then, on the way back home, i found myself seated beside the same woman i sat next to on my inbound trip. she was quite lovely in her seafoam 50s dress and pearl barrettes. and then it happened--my nose tingled with the brisk scent of comet. it was totally the lady next to me! wearing ode de comet!! i hoped that we could become fast friends, but i was too shy to strike up a conversation with the line, "i like that you smell like a disinfectant cleanser with bleach." next time???
july 13, 2009
bus song courtesy of the girl who reeks of whisky sitting behind me:
"and even though i'm at the top
i keep on climbinggg
but when the drugs are done
i'll feel like dyingggg
(nonsensical muttering)
anybody else on the bus feel like that?"
(crickets)
nope.
june 27, 2009
world's most amazing/terrifying bus driver right now. she's lamenting the many, many buttons that she doesn't know how to use and keeps reminding us that she has absolutely no idea what she's doing. but she tells good jokes and uses a crusty tree branch to trick traffic lights, so it's a wash.
june 26, 2009
to the hipster sitting across from me: if i can see your control top, your skirt's too short.
to the 3 girls sitting beside me: it makes me a little--nay, extremely--uneasy that you are hopping off the bus to grab the T to jump some 14 year old girls at oakdale and 3rd because they beat up your cousin and made her head bleed. yikes.
to the old dude sitting behind me: your "humming" sounds like the guttural noise people make when they are dying and it is freaking me the H out. please stop.
this is the worst bus ride ever,
with love,
bruns
to the 3 girls sitting beside me: it makes me a little--nay, extremely--uneasy that you are hopping off the bus to grab the T to jump some 14 year old girls at oakdale and 3rd because they beat up your cousin and made her head bleed. yikes.
to the old dude sitting behind me: your "humming" sounds like the guttural noise people make when they are dying and it is freaking me the H out. please stop.
this is the worst bus ride ever,
with love,
bruns
june 25, 2009
it's a lot easier to read fellow bus passengers' texts on a blackberry than on an iphone. not that i do either; i'm just sayin'...
june 22, 2009
so this dude on the bus tonight had a big ass boombox cradled in a baby buggy. every time the bus hit a bump, the cd tray would pop out, he'd push it back in, and some funky beats would play for about 5 seconds whereupon he would give the whole bus a fake apology (because who's actually sorry about playing some funky beats? no one) and then turn it off.
the good times ended, however, when the muni cops came on board and caught the dude without a bus pass. the cop started to cite him, so he simply yelled "back door" and made his escape. good to know that "back door" always works.
the good times ended, however, when the muni cops came on board and caught the dude without a bus pass. the cop started to cite him, so he simply yelled "back door" and made his escape. good to know that "back door" always works.
june 11, 2009
bruns' txt to friend: cat fight on the bus!!!!
friend: actual cats or bitches?
bruns: i love that you had to ask. lady Bs. one stepped on the other's foot => bus warfare
friend: actual cats or bitches?
bruns: i love that you had to ask. lady Bs. one stepped on the other's foot => bus warfare
may 29, 2009
it took me 9 million years to get to work today because some SCHOOL decided to use the city buses as their transportation to the AQUARIUM during rush hour. first bus didn't stop because it was too full, second bus was jam-packed with stinky children. ugh.
may 22, 2009
so tonight at the page i bumped into this guy i knew grabbing a drink from the bar. i enthusiastically exlaim HEY! and his response is merely a weird glance as he walks off. i'm bummed for a second, but then i realize that we're not actually friends and i only recognize him from the 8:03 bus.
may 22, 2009
so i had a quintessential sf moment this morning. this mentally ill woman in a wheelchair gets on somewhere around civic center. she has this huge duffel bag, but i see a sign on her wheelchair that says something about sparing some change for her cat. i think, wha? about 5 minutes later, a little kitty head pokes out, and then another 5 minutes after that, she's got the whole crusty cat pack perched on her lap and shoulders. these two bros at the front of the bus thought it would be rad to laugh at her to her face. i'm pretty sure they were tourists.
june 20, 2008
bruns: on the bus ride home last night i made a law student become my friend. he was reading a red casebook, so i started talking to him and kind of freaked him out i think because he got off at the next stop
friend of bruns': haha
bruns: and then i got lost walking home. i turned too soon, and then tried to cut through someone's backyard, and then jumped over some fences and shit. and then when i came home i realized i had chocolate all over my legs (????) but i didn't care and went to bed anyway with the lights on
friend: maybe there was some chocolate on the fence
bruns: maybe!!! i think i got it from some pudding on the bus. bus pudding!!!
friend of bruns': haha
bruns: and then i got lost walking home. i turned too soon, and then tried to cut through someone's backyard, and then jumped over some fences and shit. and then when i came home i realized i had chocolate all over my legs (????) but i didn't care and went to bed anyway with the lights on
friend: maybe there was some chocolate on the fence
bruns: maybe!!! i think i got it from some pudding on the bus. bus pudding!!!
february 4, 2007
when i took the bus yesterday, i noticed these two women waiting who were all gussied up and about to go clubbing. one had a skirt that was approximately 3 inches. totally ridic. when they got on the bus, they both walked by and i realized that one was about 7 months pregnant. swear to god. and she had on 4 inch stiletto heeled boots. my jaw hit the floor. it was amazing.
december 18, 2006
friend of bruns: OH, i took a brooklyn bus this weekend!
bruns: oh, give me a clue. i bet i can guess
friend: it runs east-west from around downtown bklyn towards crown heights
bruns: hmm, could be the b71 or the b65
friend: yes! B65! you're so good at this game...
bruns: the bergen bus! b71 is the union bus
friend: yes miss
bruns: oh, give me a clue. i bet i can guess
friend: it runs east-west from around downtown bklyn towards crown heights
bruns: hmm, could be the b71 or the b65
friend: yes! B65! you're so good at this game...
bruns: the bergen bus! b71 is the union bus
friend: yes miss
december 12, 2006
as much as i love brooklyn buses, i'm so much happier not having to take one every single morning. so miserable. except when i ran into nick kroll. and i used to always ride with this old man who was really sweet and looked like ray buriel and always let me on the bus first. i wonder if he misses me.
august 21, 2006
Dear Diary:
It was one of the hottest days of the summer, with the thermometer approaching the 100-degree mark. I was grateful to be in a cool city bus with my daughter, traveling down Fifth Avenue from 80th Street.
The bus was getting more crowded, with a number of people standing.
At one stop, right after a very pregnant woman came aboard, the driver made the following announcement:
“If someone does not get up and give this woman a seat by the next stop, I will turn off the air-conditioning.”
Someone immediately got up and offered this most appreciative woman her seat.
Arlene Newman
It was one of the hottest days of the summer, with the thermometer approaching the 100-degree mark. I was grateful to be in a cool city bus with my daughter, traveling down Fifth Avenue from 80th Street.
The bus was getting more crowded, with a number of people standing.
At one stop, right after a very pregnant woman came aboard, the driver made the following announcement:
“If someone does not get up and give this woman a seat by the next stop, I will turn off the air-conditioning.”
Someone immediately got up and offered this most appreciative woman her seat.
Arlene Newman
july 20, 2006
Question Reference #060720-000060
------------------------------Subject: fabulous b69 bus driver!
MTA Service: NYC Transit Buses
Category: Commendation
Location of Event
---------------------------------------------------------------
8th avenue & 6th street, park slope, brooklyn
Discussion Thread
---------------------------------------------------------------
Customer (bruns) - 07/20/2006 11:56 AM
just wanted to pay a compliment to my bus driver last night on the b69. she saw me running to catch the bus and graciously waited a little bit longer for me to catch up and get on. muuuuch appreciated when you consider that the b69 only comes approximately once every never.
thanks so much!!
-bruns
------------------------------
MTA Service: NYC Transit Buses
Category: Commendation
Location of Event
------------------------------
8th avenue & 6th street, park slope, brooklyn
Discussion Thread
------------------------------
Customer (bruns) - 07/20/2006 11:56 AM
just wanted to pay a compliment to my bus driver last night on the b69. she saw me running to catch the bus and graciously waited a little bit longer for me to catch up and get on. muuuuch appreciated when you consider that the b69 only comes approximately once every never.
thanks so much!!
-bruns
july 10, 2006
i found out where all the cute boys are in my neighborhood. on the bus at 8am. woowee! finally!
july 7, 2006
so this morning this girl on the bus was explaining to another girl the logic behind why she dresses like shit to the office. at one point, she utters the best line ever: "i don't know why they get all dressed up, they look like a box of bobos."
what the hell does that even mean? i googled "box of bobos" and got nothin'.
june 17, 2006
man on bus: "why are you sleeping?"
me: "because i'm tired"
man: "why are you tired?"
me: "because it's 5 am"
man: "but you are 5 times beauuuutiful, and you are 5 times preeeeetty, and you are 5 times amaaaaazing, and you are 5 times sexxxxy . . ." slurred and ad nauseum.
me in my head: "and you are 5 times craaaaaazy"
me: "because i'm tired"
man: "why are you tired?"
me: "because it's 5 am"
man: "but you are 5 times beauuuutiful, and you are 5 times preeeeetty, and you are 5 times amaaaaazing, and you are 5 times sexxxxy . . ." slurred and ad nauseum.
me in my head: "and you are 5 times craaaaaazy"
july 6, 2006
so this morning i missed the bus and i was kind of bummed because i was late for work (obvs). the next bus comes about 5 minutes later and as the doors open i hear, "THIS BUS IS DOOOOOWNTOOOOOWN BROOOOOOKLYN BOOOOOUND!" (eee! favorite bus driver!!!) but then he adds a new line, "pleeeeeeease watch yoooooour step! as you're getting on!! and off!! the bus." and he just plays it over and over and over every time he opens the doors.
later, someone forgot to hit the tape and was yelling "back door, back door!!" as we passed the stop. the bus driver stopped at the next stop and gave a little public service announcement that was like, "when preparing to exit the bus, please make sure to apply pressure to the tape to activate the 'stop requested' light." then he added, "i am not a mind reader today." TODAY? maybe he's a mind reader SOME days! i hope i get him again.
later, someone forgot to hit the tape and was yelling "back door, back door!!" as we passed the stop. the bus driver stopped at the next stop and gave a little public service announcement that was like, "when preparing to exit the bus, please make sure to apply pressure to the tape to activate the 'stop requested' light." then he added, "i am not a mind reader today." TODAY? maybe he's a mind reader SOME days! i hope i get him again.
february 10, 2006
not a bus story, but...
some dude just peed in front of me on the escalator coming out of the subway!!!!!!!!!!!11
some dude just peed in front of me on the escalator coming out of the subway!!!!!!!!!!!11
february 9, 2006
i got in a fight with a crazy lady on the bus today. okay, maybe fight is an exaggeration. she basically yelled at me and i had lamesauce comebacks.
crazy lady: "you're what's wrong with the bus!"then she spouted off about "bus education" and how i don't know how to ride a bus. "this is how it works" and "you don't know what you're doing." so my response was to stand there sheepishly. awesome.
me: "i'm the reason???"
crazy lady: "yeah, you're one of the them"
november 5, 2005
so i moved this weekend and have been trying out new commutes to work each morning. so far, so not very good. monday went okay, with each of my THREE transfers going rather smoothly. tuesday was terrible, as i learned that the c train conductor doesn't always hold to the common courtesy rule of waiting for the g train folks to cross the 16 foot platform. and today was the worst, thinking that the bus might be my ticket.
so i thought i would walk a few short blocks west, pick up some coffee at my favorite coffeehouse, and then catch the bus across the street to the metrostation at dekalb and flatbush (where like 95 trains converge or something). the first b38 comes rolling down the street and doesn't stop. too many people. the second b38 comes and i manage to squeeze myself on with this cute boy swiping my metrocard because i can't even reach. so, i'm basically standing at the front window of the bus because i have little choice and we start going. the bus stops a few blocks later, and as the door opens, i try to move away. but alas, FAILURE! my foot gets stuck, and while my foot hurts, i'm really more concerned about the state of my new bcbg's.
so people are taking forever to get off the damn bus and i'm in the way and the busdriver is yelling at me but i can't move because my foot's twisted in a way it should never go and cute boy intercedes on my behalf and gets the driver to close the door and my foot's released and then i totally feel like the quintessential out-of-towner just transplanted to the big city that she can't even handle because she's from brush prairie, washington. ugh. and i spilled coffee down my white blouse, too.
and then we start moving again and cute boy accidentally steps back on the tip of my shoe and profusely apologizes and i laugh maniacally because HELLO! my shoe was just crushed by a million pounds of pressure and then we laugh together and it's nice.
and so you might think the day has gone to shit, but you'd be wrong because at work i was looking up this law firm and somehow seeing "staff photos courtesy of nickelodeon" and "it all came down to something he learned from his parents and spiderman" and "the shark-infested waters of underdog litigation" managed to make everything okay again. i guess.
so i thought i would walk a few short blocks west, pick up some coffee at my favorite coffeehouse, and then catch the bus across the street to the metrostation at dekalb and flatbush (where like 95 trains converge or something). the first b38 comes rolling down the street and doesn't stop. too many people. the second b38 comes and i manage to squeeze myself on with this cute boy swiping my metrocard because i can't even reach. so, i'm basically standing at the front window of the bus because i have little choice and we start going. the bus stops a few blocks later, and as the door opens, i try to move away. but alas, FAILURE! my foot gets stuck, and while my foot hurts, i'm really more concerned about the state of my new bcbg's.
so people are taking forever to get off the damn bus and i'm in the way and the busdriver is yelling at me but i can't move because my foot's twisted in a way it should never go and cute boy intercedes on my behalf and gets the driver to close the door and my foot's released and then i totally feel like the quintessential out-of-towner just transplanted to the big city that she can't even handle because she's from brush prairie, washington. ugh. and i spilled coffee down my white blouse, too.
and then we start moving again and cute boy accidentally steps back on the tip of my shoe and profusely apologizes and i laugh maniacally because HELLO! my shoe was just crushed by a million pounds of pressure and then we laugh together and it's nice.
and so you might think the day has gone to shit, but you'd be wrong because at work i was looking up this law firm and somehow seeing "staff photos courtesy of nickelodeon" and "it all came down to something he learned from his parents and spiderman" and "the shark-infested waters of underdog litigation" managed to make everything okay again. i guess.
march 19, 2005
i take the metrolink into la at least once a week for my internship and my struggles with punctuality have never been more evident. for instance, on thursday i could hear the train coming and had to book it in my little black heels across the street and down the platform to the little ticket kiosk that wasn't having any of it. needless to say, it was traumatizing, but fortunately i made the train.
an hour later, a guy passed me on his way to the red line, tapped me on the shoulder, and handed me a yellow piece of paper folded in half:
an hour later, a guy passed me on his way to the red line, tapped me on the shoulder, and handed me a yellow piece of paper folded in half:
(not a bus story, but don't you think it fits here anyway?)
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